The Ben Power Joy of Knowledge Library
(Promoting Accessible Scientific Education Since 1974)
Hello children, did you know?
The largest terrestrial gopher ever hooked on a purely tensor-baited teslastropic giga-rod measured 85ft from maw-trunk to prehensile stinger and weighed just over 65,000 tonnes. That’s the equivalent of 4.79 triple-decker combine harvesters filled with Communist marzipan, or approximately 1250 unshaved adult peccaries.
Known to the local Kurucratic tribespeople as “El Coochiecoatl – The Crimson Beard Of The Moon”, this cyclopean gopher was eventually neurolocked and null-tagged in the summer of 2007, following an epic 23-minute struggle in which six ornamental patisseries and a kettlework memorial to Gilles De Rais were irrevocably damaged; by Dr Mobius Kuttle-Whybadgers of Barkovsgöta-Verismälkau, Estonia, a retired osteoparapsytrician, anvil-fund ontology engineer and enthusiastic breeder of Hawaiian pygmy bears.
When asked to comment on his stunning geoperditionatal victory, Dr Kuttle-Whybadgers simply pressed his forehead rhythmically against a nearby mutton churn, undid the zipper on his troutskin brogues and repeated the timeless phrase “the portcullis is open men, fetch my blessed lampreys!” over and over again whilst weeping profusely into his antique strüdelhorn.
The gopher was later released back onto the brick ice but expired shortly afterwards due to suspected Generitoxic-Inanovirus, complicated by subtyphonous intra-pelvic mamospasms, advanced auto-degratabilising novaplexy and the irreversible rupturing of Von Thulestripper’s Steeple-Nodes.
For more information on the topics contained in this entry, see:
“My First Guide to the True Marvels of the Animalitical Smorgasbord” available from OUP for the highly reasonable price of only £193.93
Mescaline is a hell of a thing…
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